im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
