How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
