I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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