soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
