i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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