If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
