I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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