I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
