dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
