So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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