I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
