the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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