i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
