I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You ruined the universe
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
