So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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