Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
