The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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