I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
