she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i used baking grease as lip gloss
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
