Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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