You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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