i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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