Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
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We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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