my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I wear drunk well.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
