I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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