my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
