Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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