Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
