tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
