so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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