I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
