I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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