I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
