he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
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Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
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Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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