I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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