Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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