i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You brought string cheese to the strip club
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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