I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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