I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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