I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
