is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
