Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
