it was like his penis was on wheels.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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