i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
