I would go down on you faster than GM stock
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My ATM looks so different sober.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
