i love accidental penises.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
