when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
