You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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