if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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