Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
