Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
