I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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