I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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