He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I could make wine with my vomit
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Randomize
