so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
