tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
