I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
