You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
