I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
