Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
This beer is not sobering me up at all
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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