I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
